How to Lose an Election

"I don't belong to any organized political party," Will Rogers was reputed to have said. "I'm a Democrat."

It looked so good for us. Tired of seven years of Bush-Cheney rule, most Americans want change. They're sick of five years of war in Iraq, and worried about the economy. All seemed right in the world for a change in the White House, and we had just the Democrat for the job.

Even better, we had two Democrats, one who could become the first woman and the other the first African-American to ever hold the office. The woman was tough, experienced, and married to a popular former president, with one of the best political machines in history at her disposal. Her opponent was young, energetic, and full of charisma, with a promise of change for all those left behind by the Great American Oil Rush. And the other side nominated a 71 year-old man who even his party doesn't support, and who looks like someone you'd see driving too slowly on the highway.

How could we lose? Americans were rushing to the polls in each state's primary -- with short lines for the Republicans, and long lines for the Democrats. The race for the nomination became the top news story since early February, and all America stood watch to see who would surge ahead. We were for healthcare, better schools, an end to the war, while they were for keeping the troops right where they are, tax breaks for the rich, and drilling in Alaskan wildlife reserves.

But alas, the party that brought us John Kerry, Al Gore, Michael Dukakis and Walter Mondale has found a way to lose this one as well. First it was the red-faced sniping between Clinton and Obama supporters, who were convinced that pouring on the negatives would boost their candidate. Then, it was the fiascos in stereo that were the Florida and Michigan primaries, where the party first kicked both states out of the process, then sought a way to get them back in. After all was said and done, both Michigan and Florida responded, "Thanks, but no thanks."

Now here we are, with Obama holding a lead of about 150 pledged delegates over Clinton. It is five weeks before the Pennsylvania primary, where we have to wait to watch the voters of Pennsylvania decide. . . absolutely nothing. Then, it will be another two weeks until the North Carolina and Indiana primaries, which will decide. . . absolutely nothing. In fact, we will go through the entire fifty states, plus Guam and Puerto Rico and neither side will end up with the 2024 votes needed to win the nomination.

And that brings us to the convention in Denver. That convention will be exciting, but it will be all about superdelegates, and wondering whom each is going to vote for. And after all the time we spent listening to the candidates, watching debates, traveling to caucuses or standing in line at primaries, it will be about 800 party bigwigs who will decide whom we nominate. Hillary will likely need more votes than Obama, but she has more connections, and let's be honest, can play the game better. Obama will likely have the most popular votes, most states, and most delegates, and those superdelegates that base their decision on those factors will side with him.

Coming out of the convention, we will finally have a candidate. But we will have a split party, a whole bunch of disenfranchised rank and file voters, and only two months to run for president. That's right. Did I mention that the convention is in late August and the election is in early November? Subtract a week for the GOP convention in September, when all eyes will turn to Minneapolis and what the Republicans have to say. That leaves about seven or eight weeks to raise money, run ads, and state our case to the American people.

Meanwhile, John McCain is already doing exactly that. He is in a debate with no opponent, raising money hand over fist, and getting a free pass from the media. He is shaking hands with the president, making a trip to Iraq to meet with generals and foreign leaders, and resting his tired old bones for the short campaign ahead. The only bad day that he's had since Super Tuesday was the day that a Democrat had to explain to him that Iranians were not training al Qaeda.

This is how we manage to lose elections, people. It's not that we're being outspent. It's not that America loves Jesus. It's not even that white guys poll better than non-whites or even non-guys. It's that we can't get our act together enough to give a candidate a fighting chance against the other side. Between Howard Dean's er, leadership, and the campaigns' scorched earth mentalities, and the ridiculous rules for the process, we're going to go into the general election at a serious disadvantage that WE PUT OURSELVES IN. It's as if we were the Patriots taking on the Giants, favored by two touchdowns, and we decided to tie our own shoes together.

So, Howard, if you're out there, here's what you do. Send a letter to all of the superdelegates and tell them two things. First tell them that this is the last time they will be superdelegates. Next time around, they will have one vote in their own precinct, just like everyone else. And second, tell them that they'd better be ready to cast their vote on the day after the final primary, which is sometime in June. Once the primaries are over, they will have 24 hours to vote. No need to book an airline ticket. An email will be fine. Or the Internet. I just picked 63 basketball games over the Internet in about two minutes, so they should be able to pick one president in about the same time.

Then, maybe either Clinton or Obama can stop running for the chance to be the next name in a long line of Democratic losers, and be the first woman or the first African American President.