Campaign 2008 - This Whole Script Needs a Re-Write

With March 4th right around the corner, those long-awaited, once thought of as irrelevant state primaries in Texas and Ohio now suddenly seem to actually hold some importance, (especially for the Democrats who want to believe they actually have a nail-biter on their hands.) For the Republicans, that drama is long gone. It's McCain. It's McCain. Pundits across the TV world keep blurbing on and on about how surprising it is that more Republicans aren't pouring out in droves to help decide an already decided outcome. Go figure. You would hope that Democrats are excited about something. They have a legitimate fight on their hands for the first time since someone tried to stop Howard Dean from chanting all 50 states names. But I digress.

There is something missing in this 2008 Presidential campaign, and that is a story line. You've got some decent characters. But the darn plot line is a re-tread. Pick your theme. Us versus them. The establishment versus radical change. War versus peace. Us going after the bad guys or us sitting around hoping they leave us alone. And so on and so on. I have a theory that part of the reason the election this year is such a yawner is because of the Writer's Strike. I think not only did they abandon the TV shows, they quit writing for the candidates, and boy did it show.

But fear not, as I sat trying to find out who won some of the year's Academy Awards, while putting up with one tired political joke after another, I devised the best way to spice up things. We get some of those liberal Hollywood types to make a movie, quickly, and have it out before November.


We take the dullsville candidates of 2008 and replace them with STAR-power. And here is your cast:





Emma Thompson has already played the Hillary clone in the cult classic "Primary Colors" so she is an automatic to lead our cast. Thompson's elegance and soft appeal will come across much better than the real deal, and perhaps take away some of that "head of the PTA" edge that hits everyone in the face whenever Bill's wife speaks to the humble masses.





Then you have to have a spot for Mike Wannabee, er, I mean
Mike Huckabee. Naturally, Kevin Spacey could reprise his role
as the District Attorney from "A Time to Kill". All of those smug, clever quips would come rolling off of his tongue, and the ratings for all things political would automatically soar.
Who knows, since so many of the current candidates seem to be stealing quotes, passages and full speeches as their own, it would be easy for Spacey to throw in a few revised lines from the classic "The Usual Suspects". Imagine Spacey as Huckabee looking into the camera and saying. "Perhaps the greatest trick Hillary ever did was convincing the people that she couldn't win. "

Now, as for the actual Republican nominee, the honorable John McCain, who else to represent the staunch military, defend our nation at all costs, the lovable Colonel Nathan Jessup from one of my favorite Rob Reiner films, "A Few Good Men" Of course, I am talking about Jack Nicholson playing our GOP war hero. The dialogue almost would write itself. If Obama can avoid talking about his policies, or offering any real substance until after he KO's Mrs. Clinton, then an Obama-McCain debate would be priceless. You can already hear our war hero respond: "Son, we live in a world with walls. And those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? I have the luxury of knowing things you'll never know. You weep for the hunting down and killing of terrorists and radical Islamic maniacs who want to destroy our nation. You weep for the terrorists and you curse the marines! " I already have chills just thinking about the drama that would be.

And then, of course there is everybody's flavor-of-the-month, the greatest thing since sliced bread, the Democrat momentum magnet, Barack Obama. Now, portraying him is not easy. You need a strong actor, just as good as Barack himself. He has said that he wants Will Smith to play him in a movie. Not so fast. Will Smith is drop dead attractive. He has looks on top of looks. Plus, his best roles have been portraying characters that build up America as it is, and don't want to tear it down and make it the way they see it. Then, I thought about Morgan Freeman, but aside from probably being too old, Morgan had some famous lines from the SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, when he warned Tim Robbins to be careful, because "Hope is a dangerous thing." WHOA. That sentiment is like Bizarro Barack, the complete opposite of his canned speeches about wishing for tomorrow rather than dealing with realities of today. Nope, Morgan is out. Chris Rock is too thin.

And then it came to me. That guy from the old ALIAS television show, Carl Lumbly. I don't really remember the guys character, but I know he was reliable and spoke softly. I can't remember much of his dialogue, so that would be an easy transition to play Obama. He is tall. He is a good guy. He looks like a leader and everyone on ALIAS was always happy when he was around. Yes, Carl Lumbly pick up the phone. Your Oscar awaits.

Auditions for Obama groupies, Clinton gang, and McCain's posse should begin by April 1st. Frank Caliendo can play our current President. I'll see you AT the Movies!